I felt early on in this journey that a fuck buddy or friends with benefits would be the ideal situation. It would mean I could have sex regularly and not make quite so much of an effort every single time, as you do when you meet someone for the first time. Plus, I could take the sexual exploration further with someone I trusted even more than just a one time thing. Although a fuck buddy is, in theory, a great situation, in practice I haven’t been able to make it work in the long term. I saw #7 three times. He said he wanted to see me again, but that never happened and I moved on. I saw #19 four times but that fizzled out too. Availability is an important factor in these types of arrangements, I find.
J and I have been seeing each for a while now – five times in fact. I’ve seen him the most out of all of my dates, but I feel like things have come to a head. He is physically beautiful (perfection to me) and intellectually stimulating. We have a great time together and we are in many ways a great match. The sex has been either incredible or really good. At the start I thought, if ever I was to meet the perfect man, he would be it (and #4). But my enthusiasm is now starting to wane. I’m just not enjoying it as much.
The last couple of times we have had sex, I haven’t come at all. That’s partly due to my sex drive declining rapidly, but also because he always likes to have sex in the doggy position, or at least with my back to him – sitting on his lap or doggy standing up against the wall, which I love. He said from day one that it was his favourite position and I like it too, but not ALL the time. Having said that, he is particularly good at it and he has a beautiful dick – I just don’t climax from it. He still has never given me oral sex, despite saying he would kiss my pussy as he was making his way to my place the first time. Plus, he tends to fuck me until he’s got what he wants, though it lasts a long time, and doesn’t seem to care anymore that I haven’t come.
As we’ve gotten to know each other more and more, I know I’m not the woman of his dreams. I know he really likes me and he enjoys having sex with me, but there is also a concern lurking in the background that he’s using me. The last thing I want is to get emotionally attached to someone only for them to ditch me when someone better comes along. That wouldn’t feel particularly nice. I think my defences are going up to prevent potential pain. Plus, I may not think I’m the best thing since sliced bread, but I think better of myself than to knowingly allow someone to use me.
I also have a tendency to go off people I’m romantically/sexually involved with after a while. I’ve always been that way. The first boyfriend I ever had was gorgeous and lovely. He looked like a young James Spader and I couldn’t believe my luck. I loved fantasising about him and the thrill of the chase, the flirting etc, but once I got him, that was it. I was bored. We never had sex and I didn’t have any particular desire to, even though I was still a virgin. The same thing happened with my long term relationship initially. The only reason we ended up together is because the people around me talked me into it, literally. They actually made me feel guilty about not being with him because he liked me so much. I knew he wasn’t “the one” for me from the start, but I forced it – cue spending ten years of my precious life with the wrong person. But that shows I’m also loyal. I’ve been reflecting on monogamy a lot lately. I’m really not sure it’s for me or that it’s very natural for anyone actually. I love being in love and I fall in love often, but the only reason I was monogamous, aside from my loyalty, was because that’s what “society” expects. I think I’m veering more to a polyamorous arrangement, but I’m not quite in the right place for it yet and I don’t want to rush things. I’m not rejecting monogamy entirely though. I think it just depends on the person you’re with and how you both feel, mutually. Each to their own.
Anyway, a couple of weeks ago J called me late one night, at around 10:30pm. It was a Wednesday. He was a bit tipsy and was trying to get me to go over to his place. I was having a bitch of a week with work and was exhausted. I didn’t have the energy to go anywhere, but I said he could come to me if he wanted to, as it was always nice to see him, and feeling a bit down I could have done with some cheering up. He didn’t seem too happy about that and was suggesting, somewhat playfully, that I should make more of an effort. He then went on to tell me that he’d just been on a date with a girl he’d met on the Saturday before. He said she’d taken him back to her place on the Saturday and all seemed good. That news stung a little bit. However, as I was still seeing other guys I really couldn’t be upset about it. It was just unexpected to hear and I didn’t really know why he felt the need to tell me. I didn’t discuss my other dates with him. He went on to say that he’d taken her out for dinner that evening and paid for it (FYI – he’s never taken me out on a date or paid for anything for that matter). He was a bit shocked that she didn’t take him back to her place again – she seemingly wanted to take things slowly or just wasn’t in the mood, I dunno. Anyway, he lucked out there so was calling me instead. I was so hurt that he was turning to me as some kind of second choice and easy option. I went quiet while he was telling me all of this and he knew he’d upset me, as he said “Oh I shouldn’t have said anything.” I didn’t know what to say, but I did ask if I was a second choice, to which he said “You’re not a second choice because I didn’t expect to see you today.” I ended the call fairly abruptly, as I just couldn’t listen to anymore of it.
I went to bed that night feeling thoroughly shit, and I was already an emotional wreck due to continued stress that was building up in my life. It’s just one thing after another these days. All day Thursday I was thinking about it. I thought about messaging J to tell him how much he had hurt my feelings, but I didn’t. I figured if he didn’t care it wouldn’t make any difference anyway.
On the Friday morning he text me “Hi :)) How are you?”. Well, this was my opportunity. I let rip.
Honestly, J, I’m a bit upset about what you told me the other night. I don’t want to be dramatic about this and it’s fair to say that I’m not feeling particularly happy at the moment, so I’m probably feeling a bit more sensitive than I usually would be.
I don’t have any issue with you seeing other girls, so I don’t want you to think this is what has made me feel unhappy. I hope you’re having lots of fun and I’m seeing other guys too.
But, what really hurt me was to learn that you seemingly value another girl above me by taking her for dinner, and when she doesn’t want sex you turn to me as an easy and reliable option. That has made me feel really sad. I don’t expect anything other than to be treated with the same respect and valued as highly as other people.
On a positive note, I’m pleased you told me, even though it hurt to hear, so I don’t blame you for being honest. On the contrary, I thank you. It allows me to make informed decisions about who I should be intimate with.
I really enjoy your company and our discussions, so I absolutely want to stay friends with you and I don’t hate you at all. I don’t think you meant to hurt me either. You are a nice person. but I know you don’t like me as much as I want you to, to continue any kind of intimate relationship. And that’s ok. I wouldn’t want to be with anyone who doesn’t appreciate me as much as they should.
I have enjoyed our time together so far so much. You inspire me and make me laugh and you’re just a pleasure to be around. I hope our friendship will continue for years to come because, despite this tiny incident, I think you’re great, truly.
Oh my god, it felt so good to get that off my chest. He acknowledged receipt of it, referring to it as “a bible” (lol) and said he’d respond later on because he was at work. I never found out what he was actually texting me about that morning. It might have been to check if I was mad or upset with him because of what he’d said. The next morning he text me again “Hey how are you?”. For the record, early morning texts are not a common thing with J, unless it’s early hours because he hasn’t been to bed yet. So to get two consecutive early morning weekday texts from him was rather unusual. He then said he might need to come over to my place that night because he had family visiting and they needed to stay at his place. He also said he still intended to respond to my monster outpouring of emotions from the day before, but he had to work again.
I didn’t want to be mean. If he needed a place to stay, he was welcome to come over, but I was already preparing myself to be strong enough to resist having sex with him because I knew as soon as I saw him and that hungry look he always had in his eyes for me I’d be weak and relent to his advances in the moment. He’s a difficult person to resist in terms of his physical being because he is just so beautiful and, despite what I’ve said, which really isn’t the end of the world, he is a nice, friendly, caring person and has always been attentive with me. Anyway, he was very appreciative of my willingness to accommodate him.
In the end, he didn’t come over. He called me at around 6am on the Sunday morning while he was wandering around London drunk as a skunk. He said he was making his way over. I fell back asleep and when I woke up at around 9am there was no sign of him. I called, but it went straight to voicemail. I was a little bit worried. Long story short, (he later recounted) he ended up getting on a train to Dover (perhaps unknowingly) and when he arrived he was telling the station staff that he was trying to get back to Spain. Still completely blotto, he staggered off and ended up sleeping on a bench somewhere for a while. When he woke up, he didn’t know where he was or how he’d got there. The station staff filled him in on what he’d been up to a few hours before. He bought a ticket back to London, but fell asleep on the train again and ended up travelling back and forth along the south coast for a while. Eventually he arrived back in London and text me that night to apologise for not calling me back.
The following Wednesday he text me to ask if I wanted to go over to his place. This would be the first time I’d seen him since he upset me a week before and he still hadn’t responded to that text, but I didn’t feel so upset about what had happened anymore. Just telling him that he’d upset me helped a lot. I thought “Why not? I’ll go over and see what he has to say for himself.” He said he was feeling a bit sick, tired and not very talkative. Ooooooh what an invitation! I was excited to see him again, but I wasn’t feeling particularly horny. Despite how he was feeling, I thought it was likely that he’d want to have sex, so I prepared myself by taking some condoms along, just in case I felt a sudden urge. It would very much depend on what he said and how he behaved. I was a bit worried about him and his state of mind. Over the preceding few days, it occurred to me that J wasn’t particularly happy either – in his job, living in London and was probably feeling a bit lonely, so I actually went over to see if he was ok and to show that if he wanted to talk about anything he could.
When I arrived he was his usual smiley, welcoming yet quiet self. J just has to give me the faintest smile for me to go weak at the knees. I was playing it cool. I kissed him on both cheeks as I greeted him, rather than on the lips as he’d always initiated. I wanted to show that I was his friend, not his lover. I kept my distance from him as we entered his room and he lay on the bed looking tired yet pleased. I asked him what was wrong and he said nothing, just that he felt tired. He then recounted the Dover story, which resulted in fits of laughter. I approached him on the bed and lay down next to him cuddling. It was lovely, but it wasn’t long before the cuddle turned into sex. As much as the fear of being used was ever present, J has a remarkable way of making me feel very wanted in the moment, so I went with it. Truthfully, I love how much he likes me when we’re together and he was particularly caring towards me that night.
We talked a little about the “incident” from the week before. He basically said he’d taken that girl to dinner because he still wanted to have sex with her, and that they hadn’t had full sex on the first date because neither of them had any condoms. I felt much better about the situation and laid it to rest. Ultimately he was seeing other people just like I was and there didn’t appear to be anything more to it than that. That’s not to say that I was happy about being treated like a second choice though. We actually had one of the best evenings together, with laughter, wine, sex, cuddles, insightful and stimulating discussions. Just what the doctor ordered.
The next time I saw him was on the following Sunday – he invited me over again. After I secured him a student discount at the Apple store on a new Macbook, we went to his place and as his birthday was just around the corner, I brought some sushi and a bottle of wine with me. Despite the previous encounter being so good, that niggling feeling of being used was still lurking in the background and by this point my energy levels and enthusiasm were at all all time low. He talked a lot about his ex-girlfriends and showed me pictures (yes, they were very attractive and fell in line with society’s expectations of what women should look like), told me that he liked tall, slim women (I’m neither, though I’m not short) and that his sister had even said he was looking for perfection.
I was taking it all in and reflecting as he talked away. I was giving him a massage at the same time (facial), so his head was lying on my lap facing away from me. I realised that all the good things about him weren’t enough for me to continue seeing him as I had. I’m also guilty of wanting perfection. He may have been extremely attractive, but it didn’t matter quite so much anymore. It doesn’t make me feel wanted to feel less valuable than someone else, whether it’s new dates or ex-girlfriends, and not feeling wanted or fully appreciated is a massive turn off. He hadn’t done anything “wrong” per se, he was being honest, which is to be applauded. We really had had a good time together up until that point, but I wasn’t prepared to put anymore energy or effort into this coupling, even if it was just for fun, particularly as my sexual satisfaction was fast approaching zero.
I’ve just gone off dating and sex altogether at the moment. I’m, therefore, not devastated about anything because taking a step back is what I want and I will always look back on my time with J in a positive light, whether I see him again or not as friends or whatever. He was definitely one of the best I’ve “dated”, despite that little incident that upset me for a few days. I hope we’ll remain friends at least, though I haven’t heard from him since. I didn’t stay over that night, which was a first. Perhaps he sensed that I just wasn’t feeling it anymore and that there’s little point in him trying his luck any further. What he and I need is a bit of distance I think.