J, 38, English
After ending my relationship with Tinder on 4 July 2016, I’d reverted to using OkCupid for the most part. I was, once again, openly “advertising” to all that I had written a blog and I had linked my Instagram page to my profile. I had a couple of people questioning me over the IG page particularly, i.e. why was I putting screen shots of my conversations on there rather than keeping them private, but for the most part people seemed to enjoy it and find it funny. They were also often shocked about the things men would say to me. Regarding the blog, there was an overwhelmingly positive reaction to it.
However, I started to experience problems with OkC too. Traffic was always pretty frequent on there, as it shows you who is checking out your profile, but occasionally everything would go unusually quiet. I emailed OkC about it and it responded very generally to say activity would vary from time to time. I persevered, but at one point my “matches” were not receiving my replies to their messages, so I emailed OkC again. In the meantime, I tried to log out and in again to see if that would make a difference and when I did so OkC told me my profile had been deleted. FFS! I set up a new one and had to find the people I’d been chatting to to explain what had happened, and later my original OkC profile was re-activated. I didn’t know what was going on. At that point, I’d been suspended from Tinder, banned from Happn and now OkCupid was being a dick. It was getting ridiculous. The only thing I could think was perhaps a handful of twats reported me because they didn’t like what I was doing, in whatever respect. Some people just like to cause trouble and have got nothing better to do with their lives, evidently.
I decided to give Tinder another shot, but I couldn’t use my normal Facebook account. I’d tried to sign up to Tinder again with a new FB account before, but it continually linked to my normal one which wouldn’t allow me access. I figured out that I had to delink Tinder on my FB profile – to de-authorise Tinder’s access to my account. I set up a new FB account and then tried Tinder again. I still had to do a little magic on the Tinder app in order for it to work (too hard to explain), but it did. After a break of almost eight weeks, including suspension time, I was back and it felt a little weird. I wasn’t as enthusiastic about it as I had been the first time round. I still felt rather bitter about the way Tinder had treated me to be honest. I really didn’t feel like I had done anything wrong. I was being open and honest about my blog and my IG page. I don’t like secrets and it gives my potential matches the opportunity to avoid me if they don’t want to be a part of it, even though I keep them anonymous.
J was one of the first and few people I connected with. He super liked me and we matched on Sunday 24 July 2016. At that particular time, I didn’t really have any desire to date anyone new as I was running out of steam and my libido was waning. I had my date with #50 the night before and I was still seeing #48. I considered deleting all of the apps and taking a big step back, just for a couple of weeks at least, but I really enjoying talking to people, so I knew I’d miss it. I pretty much just use Tinder now to respond to super likes. I figure if they “like” me that much they must have something decent to say. I opened up the lines of communication with J.
— Thanks for the superlike J 🙂
J: Hey! No problem. I’m sure you richly deserve it.
— Haha, I’ll leave you to be the judge. Are you having fun on Tinder?
J: Every now and again! It can’t hurt to dip in and out. I was living abroad a while and it was useful there. Not been into it so much in London. What about you? Should I check out your blog to answer that question?
— Haha, probably best 😀
J: I’m already getting an impression. Didn’t take long!
— Tinder is where my dating app journey started and it served me very well. I don’t use it as much now so just dipping in and out like you, responding to the few super likes I get.
J: You have a project, which seems interesting.
— Honestly, the blog was very much an afterthought.
J: Have you reached any conclusions from this project?
— Merely because I found the experience sooo good and I wanted to share the experience – how good it can be.
J: Reeeeaaaally?! You are an intrepid social scientist.
— Yes – sex is fucking awesome, not dirty, not shameful, don’t have to make a commitment to have it, women are still held in a lesser regard than men (believe it or not – my eyes have been opened!) I love men btw, obviously 😉 The ones who believe in equality, like me, and that’s probably most, but not all sadly.
J: Yep, totally fair. Definitely double standards in this regard. Sex is a pretty fucking great invention.
Our chatting continued for quite a while, covering all sorts of topics from prostitution to the monetary system (and my beloved Zeitgeist movies). He’d spent some time in Latin America and shared his experience in terms of gender equality/behaviour.
J: It depends on the nationality but misogyny is rife and it makes the women often very difficult. I mean, they are wonderful, but entirely used to being treated like shit. And often sex is quite transactional which does not do it for me. I like a girl to want me rather than want something they can get from me. I miss them, but they also drove me insane.
— Makes total sense. I think you’ve summed it up nicely.
J: By contrast, with the English, sex tends to be harder to come by and more self conscious, which is why your openness interests me.
— If my headstone says the word unique, I will die a happy woman. Likewise I’m drawn to forward thinking, non-judgemental, easy going, honest people, and you certainly appear to be one of those. Happy to have connected with you at the very least. This is why I also wanted to do the blog, to show that there are some great guys in this world. I’m not a man basher and it isn’t lost on me that most men don’t want women to be lesser human beings. We all need each other, and sex is so much better when that is fully appreciated.
J: Drink? No expectations. I just like interesting people.
— Yep, a drink would be fab. I expect nothing 🙂
On the strength of his photos I wasn’t particularly attracted to him physically, but we exchanged numbers anyway. Mentally he’d certainly grabbed my attention and I’ve always been happy to pick up new friends along the way.
On the Wednesday at around midday he text me:
J: I miss discussing prostitution with you. Perhaps we can move on the drug use or religion.
— Haaaa, happy to discuss both 😉 I think we should watch Zeitgeist The Movie together and then we can exclaim in tandem.
J: Love that plan! They’re on Netflix. Pop over.
He’d seen the movie before and asked if it was possible to watch it sober. I said it was indeed possible as I’d done it twice, but we could get drunk or stoned if he wanted to. I’d bought a rather large (bigger than expected) stash of weed a few months before in preparation for a specific sex session that never happened. Smoking weed is not something I do very often, so I was happy to use it up when the opportunity arose. He had the booze, I was bringing a joint. In hindsight, I should have brought a couple more joints with me, but this was a very impromptu date and I didn’t expect much from it.
I went over to his place with absolutely no intention of it leading to anything sexual. I was feeling pretty tired and not in the mood. Plus, as I said, I didn’t really fancy him. I just wanted to spend time with him because he seemed like such a nice person. I made my way over to his place and he came to meet me at the station. Well, his profile pictures were not reflective of reality at all. He was handsome and had a brilliant personality to go with his outer shell – very warm and welcoming and everything else that I’ve described him to be. However, I still wasn’t in the mood for anything and I just saw it as two potential friends hanging out.
We made our way to his place, got to know each other over a joint and some drinks. It was great – I was very happy and felt completely relaxed. I didn’t get a sense of any kind of attraction from his side, so I assumed he just wanted to be friends too. We watched the first half of the movie, by which point the weed and wine was starting to kick in and our minds were beginning to wander. He asked if I’d heard of the comedian Jim Jeffries – specifically his Gun Control and Religion sketches. I hadn’t, so he decided to switch from Netflix to YouTube and we started to watch dear Mr Jeffries. Oh my god, the guy is HILARIOUS. I hadn’t laughed like that in so long. I was crying with laughter. It was such a good decision and I was so impressed with J for suggesting it. Everything about him was just fantastic.
I kept saying I needed to leave as I didn’t want a late one and or miss the last train home. I was preparing to leave and we hadn’t talked about the blog, so we touched on that a little. I offered to show him the photo of the threesome I was in (#21), as I’m particularly proud of it. Basically it’s a shot of me from behind while I’m licking the other girl’s pussy. My derriere looks a lot better than I ever imagined it to be. I was scrolling though my photos, as he peered over my shoulder, and he noticed one of my breasts. He asked “Was that your boob?” I said it was and asked if he wanted to see it. He said he did, so I showed him. I then showed him the intended photo.
At that moment, we were both looking down at my phone in silence while I wondered what was going through his head. It was one of those awkwardly funny moments. He shifted and was standing directly opposite me. When I looked up from my phone at him neither of us said a word, but I saw “Come fuck me” eyes. In an instant, I wanted to kiss him. I pounced and he reciprocated. We’d gone from friends to lovers in about five seconds. We got practically naked there and then, nearly having sex in the kitchen. He was leaning me backwards onto the worktop as he sucked my nipples. It was hot, however, I wanted the encounter to be a little more comfortable than having a quick bang on a hard surface and underneath all those bright lights, so I repositioned myself vertically and steered him backwards towards the bedroom as we continued to kiss passionately and touch each other.
The sex was really good. We switched around a bit position wise and missionary was particularly good. He was a passionate, caring and dominating lover. It’s just unfortunate that I couldn’t climax due to the way I was feeling, and my head was in a bit of a spin because this sexual encounter was so unexpected. The night before I’d had sex with #48 for the third time and had an orgasm, but it was a real effort and required a lot of thinking to achieve. With J I didn’t want to make things difficult or hold him back. I wanted him to be pleasured and get something from it. He came and I was happy.
By this point it was decided that I was staying over. He asked if I was hungry and I was a little peckish, so he made us some guacamole at 2am to have with crisps/crackers. Bloody delicious and another first. The wine continued to flow too. We then went back to the bedroom to have more sex – I was hoping for a more successful Round Two, but neither of us climaxed that time. Still, it was enjoyable.
So, my first Netflix and chill date was awesome, definitely one of the best dates I’ve ever had. It was so nice to spend time with someone so wonderful, with no expectations, so much laughter and good discussion. I just wish I’d been more in the mood for sex – damn it! If I had, there’s no doubt I would have climaxed.
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