S, 25, English
Once I reached the big 5-0 on my dating journey, I decided not to write about every date going forward, if I wrote about them at all. Some of the experiences just aren’t worth writing about or thinking about for that matter. I am, therefore, going to skip over #53. Sorry folks, but really you’re not missing much. Brief rundown – he was an Italian who came round late one night, smelled of fried food, got what he wanted and left relatively quickly. I was furious. “Fucking Italians!“, I thought. I am half Italian, btw. He got an even bigger and less serene lecture than #49. I didn’t shout, but I was blunt with my delivery and he deserved every single word of what I said. He said NOTHING – not a word in response – but he looked pitiful. He had the audacity, just as #49 had done, to suggest we meet again. SEE YA!
So anyway, I’m now going to move on to the delightful S. He and I connected way back on 25 June 2016 on OkCupid. He read the blog, or at least some of it, before contacting me. At that time, #36 was the top story – the one with the smelly dick. S messaged me “Definitely an interesting read 👍🏻”. I asked which bit he was referring to and he said “Cleaning the guy’s dick with a wet wipe was a particular highlight 😂 Talk about giving him a subtle hint.” He was the second guy who’d said “wet wipe” to me and I found it really funny. Actually I’d used a face wipe, though it is wet, so I suppose I’m splitting hairs. But when someone says wet wipe, I think of the ones you use to clean a baby’s shitty bottom.
S was just hilarious and continually made me laugh since that very first message. We exchanged numbers and over the next few weeks were chatting away. He really is a gem. Not once did I feel pressured to meet, sexually harassed or anything like that. In fact, we hardly talked about sex really. He is a real gent and a beautiful person. He wasn’t my usual type, though he was handsome. At 5’8” he wasn’t ideal either, but for those of you who have read my blog thoroughly, it isn’t a deal breaker for a first date, per se. As long as they tick plenty of other boxes I often give them a shot and I would never meet someone just because they’re tall. It’s the overall package that counts.
I don’t like to be shallow about these things, but ultimately the height thing comes down to attraction in terms of domination. Being shorter than I’d prefer for a one time thing is ok because the thrill and excitement of the first time, plus their other fine qualities, is enough to get me through, but for a long term thing it’s PROBABLY not going to do it for me. I like what I like, what else can I say? Of course, whatever height someone is has no bearing on their quality as a human being – I’m simply referring to a physical, sexual attraction, and yes it does matter when we’re lying down. Not all sex positions involve lying down, so don’t be so presumptuous 😉
At around that time, I’d decided to move the age range for potential matches back up to the 30’s. I’d given the 20 year olds a good shot, with mixed results. I wanted to stick to people nearer my own age. I felt it was safer and more productive. So all things considered, S was not necessarily the type of person I was hoping to connect with, but I’m so glad we did.
Things were pretty hectic in both our lives at the time, so it took until 13 August 2016 for us to meet. I was pretty knackered and totally broke by that point, so I didn’t want to go anywhere, nor could I afford to. I had a lightbulb moment during the preceding week. I’ve lived in my apartment complex for a year and a half and though I used to go to the gym, steam room and sauna, I had never used the spa! Unbelievable really. I, therefore, suggested to S that he come over and we could go and sit in there, chill out and chat. It would be fun. He agreed. Yay! To be honest, I really didn’t know how he felt about me nor I about him other than we had become good friends, at least from my point of view. He is such an easy going person and we have had some awesome chats. Whether there would be any sexual chemistry I didn’t know – that would very much depend on how we mutually felt, as always.
We arranged to meet at Canary Wharf station at 6pm. There was not an ounce of nerves or awkwardness when we greeted each other. The transition from a virtual friendship to a real life one was unnoticeable. We walked towards my place immediately, chatting along the way of course, freely. He was even more handsome in real life, with very manly and well shaped arms. His height/my height was irrelevant. We stopped off at the supermarket on the way to get some drinks.
Now, I’m going to veer off course for a moment. Near the very beginning of my Tinder journey, I’d connected with a guy who I spent one Friday evening speaking to and had loose plans to meet. He had a link in his profile saying it provided more insight into him/his life. I hadn’t clicked the link when we first connected. We had a relatively in-depth chat that night so I didn’t really feel the need to. It also transpired that he lived on the same road as me and relatively close too. The next day I sent him a message and he didn’t respond. He hadn’t unmatched me and I was still wondering about him, so I decided to check out the link. He’d told me that he was writing a book or something and that it involved bullying and childhood, but this website was, erm, rather detailed about his manic depression, bipolar and whatever else. It was basically a blog all about him and his life (who am I to talk, right?), but boy did he feel sorry for himself. He was in and out of hospital, self-harming, his ex-wife had signed a suicide note for him in the past, his parents smoked weed when he was a kid and he seemingly blamed his life problems on that. So many problems, lol. At the same time, he made some good points about society and life in general, but there was a lot of shocking stuff on there. Total soap opera. After discovering this, I wasn’t quite so keen to meet him anymore and duly unmatched. I have absolutely nothing against mental illness, i.e. I don’t ostracise people for it and there have been a few people very close to me who have suffered gravely as a result. I too have suffered somewhat in the past and there’s no guarantee I won’t again in the future, but in terms of someone I’d like to date, particularly for fun, I would avoid it at all costs. I just want a stressfree time with easy going and relaxed people. This chap actually inspired me to expand my Q&A to include “Do you have any serious mental health issues?” – basically anything that requires medication is what I mean. One of my work colleagues found his website very entertaining – he was engrossed and wanted me to meet up with the guy just to see what drama would unfold. Thanks colleague! It’s a no from me.
Back to S and I. While we were gathering the various bits and pieces we needed in the supermarket, who did we see? Yes, the manic depressive. I had always wondered if I would bump into him in there. We clocked each other. I don’t know if he remembered me, but I certainly knew who he was. I have a very good memory for faces. I can spot a Tinder virgin pretty easily because I’ve been round that meat market so many times. I see the same faces and deliberate over profiles. It was pretty funny to see the guy in there, particularly as I was on another date. It stopped me in my tracks and I wanted to tell S all about it right then and there, but there was too much to say and whispering in the guy’s direction might have made things a bit obvious, so I saved the story for when we got back to mine.
S and I were chatting away over our drinks and then we decided to make our way to the spa. It was lovely and surprisingly a turn on, perhaps due to the semi-nakedness and vibrations. S put his arm around me and for just a few seconds we sat there enjoying it, until I looked to my left at him and we kissed. There was no going back at that point – it was on and he was super keen. Given that I’d had little sex drive over the previous couple of weeks, once again I really didn’t expect to feel horny, but all of a sudden I was a bit. This was a communal spa and I think the idea of someone potentially coming in there while we were fooling around was a bit of a turn on. We had sex a little bit 🙂 It was so exciting and he had a very nice dick. He verified my tightness – ha! And I could certainly feel every inch of him. Truthfully I could have gone the whole way in there, but the sensible side of me was scared of getting caught and I don’t think it would be very pleasant for other people to go in after S had shifted his load in the water. We went back to mine and had sex straight away.
Although S is as wonderful as I’ve said he is, as a lover he’s self-admittedly lazy. That’s the first criticism. I had to do ALL of the work, so I had my cowgirl hat well and truly affixed. We tried doggy too, but he acted like he’d never done it before – draping himself over me as I’m on all fours (what the fuck?) rather than taking me from behind by grabbing on to my hips and giving me a good fucking. It was bizarre. We tried missionary too, but the rhythm wasn’t good. Back to cowgirl it was.
The second criticism I have is the kissing – it was terrible. He came at me like a dog would lick my face after it’s had a stroke. Way, way, way too much tongue and not a slender, sensual, teasing tongue – a big, sloppy, lazy tongue. He seemed to enjoy kissing though, which made it even more difficult for me because he wanted to do it often. In the end I had to turn away as his face approached mine. It was a massive turn off.
I’m pleased to say, however, that where his tongue failed in the kissing process, it excelled in the face sitting process. I gripped the head board while grinding on his face and that’s where the magic happened. It was definitely some of the best oral I’ve ever had. I had a delightful orgasm. Woo hoo!! It felt like I’d just been rescued after being marooned on a desert island – finally. Thank you S! He really knew what he was doing and licked me so well. I enjoyed every second of it. All in all we had sex three times, or four if you count the spa incident. I don’t. I still wasn’t feeling as horny as I had in the past, so I didn’t exceed one orgasm, but he had a great time and he could’ve kept going. Ultimately I had to call time on it because I was so tired – remember, I was doing all the work.
All in all it was a lovely and unique date with a wonderful person, who I intend to stay friends with for a long time to come. He really is a diamond.
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