Date #59 – follow up ✅

So, my last post was rather emotional. I deliberately wrote it in a raw state because it is very important to me not to mask the negative aspects of this experience (and life!) or to allow the passage of time to ‘forgive and forget’ the despicable behaviour of some people. Aside from what I described in the post, which was disappointing enough along with all my other negative personal experiences, in the preceding days I’d seen examples some awful examples of sexual harassment and rape threats by men against women on Instagram. One said, to a friend incidentally, “You need to be beaten and raped, over and over.” Another man was asked, on Tinder, “Do you consider yourself a feminist?”, to which he replied “Shut up and suck my cock.” I could not believe what was happening, coupled with Trump winning the presidential election, who, let’s face it, is by now a well-documented pig. The above examples are a drop in the ocean, unfortunately. I’d weathered the storm largely until then, but I’d reached my tipping point.

I disabled the apps and enjoyed a period of reflection and calm. Throughout that time, I was seeing a guy, A, from time to time (#61) who I have no intention of writing about in any depth, as I did with the others. Briefly, he’s a 26 year old Romanian and one of the nicest people I’ve ever met – so gentle and sweet. He’s not the most enthusiastic lover and he’s just too young for me in the long term, but as a friend he’s nice to be around. We basically got stoned a lot, listened to music and had (lots of) sex.

R kept in regular contact with me since the last date I wrote about and I can’t remember in what circumstances I mentioned it, but I said I’d been having a few joints at the weekends and that it was providing additional laughter and serenity during a fairly miserable and stressful period of my life. It was A’s influence really, as it’s not something I do often. When he found out I had a little stash of weed, he was overjoyed, as he hadn’t smoked it for a year. He likes to do it every day, when he has it, but I don’t.

Anyway, R seemed quite keen to have a weekend session with me, as he hadn’t smoked it for a few years. He invited me over to his place the weekend before last and I accepted. R knows that I’m trying to be vegan and he very kindly offered to prepare a vegan meal for us. It was so sweet of him to go to that effort for me and to sacrifice what he might like to eat to accommodate my preference. Given what I said about him previously and my wish to avoid another fuck buddy arrangement, I accepted on the basis of friendship. I really had no prior desire to have sex with him or anyone actually. As far as I was concerned, we’d have dinner, get stoned, chat, laugh and that was it. He mentioned getting “some kind of cookie” for the munchies period and I said I’d bring some roasted pistachios, as A had bought some for us and they were great to snack on. R responded “You’re so gonna get laid if you keep this up.” Well, I can’t say I blame him for having sex on his mind, as we had had sex the last two times and I hadn’t told him I’d never have sex with him again.

He picked me up and it was very nice to see him, as it had been a few weeks. He’s so chatty and friendly; a very comfortable person to be around. He’s still a talker though and is now starting to sense when he’s rambling on a bit when fronted with my, I suspect, bored or perplexed facial expressions. My impatience to “get to the bloody point” doesn’t generally hold me back.

We arrived at his place. I’ve got to say, there’s something about a man driving that really turns me on. Not any old man, I hasten to add, just the right kind – someone I’m intimate with or would like to be intimate with. I think it’s the position of power and control I like, which is probably why I drool over pilots, generally, as well. Plus, I have this added ‘fetish’ with hands. I like to imagine them on me, especially if they can navigate well. The journey to his place had probably stoked my inner fire a little because of that, in addition to going into his house for the first time, knowing that he wanted to have sex and not seeing him for a while. He had that glint in his eyes. Being sexually desired by someone I know and trust and/or fancy is a turn on too.

Not long after we went in his house, he made a move, which excited me further. He was supposed to be showing me around his house, but, as ever, he was going into too much detail – this painting, that lamp. Snooze. I was sooo hungry, but I figured a little sex appetiser wouldn’t go amiss, to calm our inner animals down a bit. We made our way upstairs, but didn’t even get into the bedroom(s) before he had me bent over the bannisters, lifted up my dress and wham bam thank you, sir. It was very primal.

We made dinner together. It was so much fun and I really love a man who can cook. After my ten year relationship with a man who couldn’t cook, I vowed never again to be with someone who was culinarily inept. We made vegan curry with rice and chapati type bread. He had all these wonderful spices in his cupboard. I was impressed and the meal was so delicious. I could not have asked for anything better. We drank wine and smoked a couple of joints in the process, so by the time we’d eaten, we were in dire need of vegging out on the couch to watch a movie.

I can’t remember what the movie was called now. It was a comedy and involved marijuana in the plot line, which is why we picked it. It wasn’t very good and essentially ended up being background noise for the most part as we chatted away and, yup, cue sex session number two. This one was my favourite between us and one of my favourites ever. The benefits of marijuana for me, in this respect, are that it makes me super horny and makes everything last longer, including the orgasms. It was certainly one of the most prolonged orgasms I’ve ever had and I wasn’t quiet about it either. Inhibitions? What are those? Hehe. That nicely pushed R’s buttons as he climaxed shortly after. Ummmm it was really good, spontaneous, passionate sex.

Later, we went to bed; cue sex session #3. R was on fire. I was a bit tired (drunk and stoned) by this point, but it was good nonetheless. There hasn’t been a time that sex wasn’t good with R, when we’ve both been on form. He has a finely tuned technique and knows how to satisfy me, and I assume others. He also has a very thick penis, which helps because I favour girth. I slept through, thankfully, and in the morning sex session #4. This time, I was feeling a bit kinky and asked him to tie my hands together with a scarf and hold them down above my head as he penetrated me over and over again. We liked that, a lot, and it was the first time anyone has tied me up (aside from handcuffs with #11). If I ever meet the right person, I’ll be doing that again and exploring further.

Given that I wasn’t expecting or planning to have sex with him at all that weekend, I was rather surprised that we had sex so much. Not complaining though – it was a nice surprise and turned out to be extremely memorable.

Following that, once again, he kept in regular contact, but then he decided to tell me that he went on another date, the day after I had left, with a woman he’d dated before we had met and with whom things hadn’t gone very well the first time. He seemingly started off the story as something humorous to tell me, but I felt like he ended up bragging about ‘another score’ by the end of it – how she had gone back to his, he’d cooked them dinner, she stayed over blah blah blah. It was a repeat of what had happened between us, though not quite as involved, but I found it really disrespectful. I don’t discuss my other dates with men, unless they ask, which actually they often do. I certainly don’t go out of my way to tell them about it or play games between them.

At that point I decided enough was enough. We’d had a good time together and I can accept something casual at the very start, when we don’t really know each other, but we’ve now passed date three and I’m clearly not sufficient for him in the long run. I sent him the following message:

As I said to you on Saturday, I understand that you’re still on this journey, exploring n stuff and I really don’t blame you. I think you probably need it, like I did once. I’ve loved our dates so far and I really like you – chatting to you and spending time with you. All of it. But I have to bow out of this casual arrangement now because it’s not making me happy. I absolutely want to be friends with you and we can still go to the theatre etc and I’ll gladly be that friend you wanted to talk about sex with (within reason). As for my sexual partners, I want someone I can have unprotected sex with who isn’t having sex with other people. The fear of catching something is just too stressful for me to cope with and, frankly, I don’t want to be someone’s bit on the side. This shouldn’t come as a shock to you given that it’s what I said in the beginning or rejection of you, because you’re wonderful. I just need to do what’s right for me.

He called me immediately, seemingly to check if I was ok and I was. I was very happy to set him straight and enforce my boundaries. It was like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders instantly. He was perfectly understanding, but clearly disappointed. I said I was sure he’d be ok with the variety of other women he had on the go, to which he responded “I’m down to one now” in a rather forlorn voice. Oh well. Not my problem.

I can’t detach my feelings as easily as some people, or men, can. The longer a connection goes on for, inevitably I will become emotionally attached. Keeping things casual when that happens doesn’t work for me because I have no idea if I’m going to see them again and it feels as though all the power is in their hands. If I didn’t care about these people and was a fan of meaningless sex, it probably wouldn’t be an issue, but I do care. Plus, trust is a massive issue to me when it comes to sex.

So, we had fun, but he’s not fitting the bill in terms of what I want going forward. As much as I like R, I don’t like him that much, not as much as I liked J (#48). Though I’m not pining for J, I’m still sad about how things ended and I miss him. I don’t want things to end badly with R and really hope we can make a platonic friendship work.

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